Walking in Fire
by PoetWITHOUTaCause
Summary: You try to lock up all the feelings inside of you so they don't hurt you, but after one incident it finally breaks and you don't know how to deal with it, so you just sit in the dark till something comes and awakens your troubled mind. -disclaimer- Part of the Ponder Series


_You try to lock up all the feelings inside of you so they don't hurt you, but after one incident it finally breaks and you don't know how to deal with it, so you just sit in the dark till something comes and awakens your troubled mind. _

Based off of 1x06 The Shepherd

-disclaimer-

* * *

><p>You know how sometimes it's easier to lock up your feeling is a tight, small, cemented box? Yeah, that's what I do. I thought it was the best way to live, lock everything up so you never have to feel hurt, never have to feel any pain. When I choose to give up my son, that was probably the last time I allowed myself to feel anything in that parameter.<p>

Which is why I'm left in the dark, sitting in a chair near the window thinking about why I'm crying—in all truth, I don't know. He isn't mine, he never lead me on, I never even knew I had these feelings. But seeing him all sexed up, his hair messed, his outfit ransacked, it unlocked something I never allowed anyone to touch—only Henry, it was only my son who I loved now. He was all I had as of now.

But seeing Graham literally _sneak out_ of Regina's window, with Henry not four doors down . . . it made me sick. I want to close my eyes and push all of my new-found knowledge from my head and so far back into my head that it never had the chance to resurface. I thought I had gotten to know him—he was charming and sweet, kind and gentle—the accent was a nice touch. But now? Now! He was tainted, I didn't want to face him, much less talk to him!

I looked down to the street, watching the midnight walkers go by and pass with smiles if the crossed. I wish I could know how they do it, live simple lives and never know the truth. I wonder who he was in fairy tale land. Henry knows all the character, maybe not who they are here, but in the book. He lives for it in a way. I never read those books growing up, never even crossed my head. I was too busy getting in trouble or something.

Who was the 'right-hand' sex object to an Evil Queen? Her best slave, best hunter, best warrior, best—what else is there? I sighed and leaned back into the chair, cradling my scotch in my hands. Hot chocolate was not made for these situations. What happens when they start to remember, what will Regina do if she is the Queen? What if this is even real at all?

GOD! How did this happen? When did I even start liking him that knowing this information feels like it crushing my heart, which I never let anyone have access to? What happened to me in between the time that I left Boston with Henry to right now, at this exact moment, to where I'm wallowing in my chair? Did he even look ashamed as I threw the keys at him?

Why am I even thinking about it? He is taken! End of story, end of everything. Hopefully Mary is having a better time then I, because if both of us are home with broken hearts, nothing is right anymore. Where did I go wrong? Why can't I lock it all back up? It should be easy, but even humans can't not feel, and that is all I am after all. Human.

But Regina? Really? Why her? She's a total bitch! And when I brought Henry home the first time—oh my god! How could I have missed it! What if Henry is right? What if this whole town is a fairytale book? Regina trying to separate Mary and David, trying to keep Henry away, trying to run me out of town, and now unintentionally crushing my heart which I didn't even know could be crushed.

Lifes a bitch it loves to kick you down, but no matter what you have to get back up and fight harder. So I got up out of the chair splashed a nearly full glass a whiskey down the drain and put on my jacket, grabbed my ring of keys and headed out. It was time to head out for some air. I locked the door and headed down the stairs, taking them two at a time, and pushed open the door. The wind hit me with a force and I felt it chill me all too quickly. I didn't risk leaving the town, but that didn't mean everything was off limits.

I walked into the woods, taking the paths and heading to the bridge, I guess. I took the turns and stayed on the markers and soon I was there. I leaned on the bar and looked to the sky, drinking in the pale white moon and the glassy black sky, the thousands of glowing dot that looked as if a light was shining through them. I looked up and I felt free, not tied down of out of breath at every turn, no fairy tale nonsense clouding my head, no feeling in the way.

Henry once said that the Queen took all the stories happy endings and he also said I was in the story, so in a way that means she took my own happy ending, because if she didn't, I would be a princess, my mom would be a loving person and my dad would be a fearless teddy bear. I felt a fire rise inside of me. I don't know if I believe in this, but if it is true and she did this to us_ all,_ then she will pay, because my happy ending lies with her, and I can't not fight for it.

I was clear mined; I was Emma once again. I could see the big picture and not just a spec; I could the world turning about, not just a city crumbling down. It was better, and I smiled. Not a real one, but just one that makes me know that I'm back. I know that I have to go to work tomorrow with someone I never really knew and I have to accept that. I know that I'll have to interact with the slut who happens to be my son's other mother. I know that I'll have to get up, put on my big girl jacket and go on as if nothing ever happened; because in truth nothing ever did.

I have no hold on Graham, I have no connection to Regina, I have only two ties to this damned town, and that's it. But I can't change anything, the box has been blown open and I can't close it, so I just have to live with it. I walked myself out of the woods and back to town, walking past streets and pass people, I look up at the clock and it's _late._ I sigh and I go home. I go to bed because I know I can't fight off the coming day and its adventures. If its heartbreak and turmoil life throws, then I fight back until I win.

* * *

><p>Check out my tumblr's; links are on my fanfic profile.<p> 


End file.
